


Reflections

by cinnamonibon



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Gen, Minor Character Death, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 20:12:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17311094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonibon/pseuds/cinnamonibon
Summary: After being forced back to study college on his hometown, Roxas became recluse from his family and friends. No one understands him. No one knows the feeling of seeing "yourself" die right before his eyes.But everything changed when he met Namine... or was she really Namine?





	1. Chapter 1

There was a knock on Roxas’ door. It was a single yet audible knock. He sat up and stretched his arms. His yawn however, quickly turned into a frown. He could still see the shadow of the person who knocked on his door. 

She always does this. She doesn't have to wake him up and yet she still does. And when she does wake Roxas up, she will feel guilty right away. She was panicking outside Roxas’ room. She's probably thinking if she needs to knock for a second time.

“I’m awake.” 

“O-oh! Breakfast is ready. Go down once you’re ready,” his mother frantically said.

He took the nearest pants on the floor and the first single-colored shirt on his closet. He then took the comb on the table near his bed and tried his best to comb his bed hair. He checked his reflection for about two seconds and put back the comb on the table. He quickly caught a glance of an upside down picture frame. Roxas really didn’t get why he had to hide the picture like that. He remembered what the picture was and who were in it. Yet he still tried to hide it.

With a sigh, he went down to the first floor and had his breakfast. He was eating alone. His mother was already washing the dishes, and his father must have gone to work hours prior.

Eating alone was uncomfortable so he took a look on his surroundings. He saw the overwhelming amount of bills on the refrigerator and frowned. He really should get a part-time job soon. God knows he wasn’t doing his best in university anyways. He then noticed the flowers and the fruit basket at the kitchen top.

“Are you visiting today?” his mother asked as she saw him looking at the flowers.

“I…” Roxas trailed off and looked down at his breakfast. He took a couple of bites and answered hesitantly. “I- I have something to do… You know, it’s Friday and all.”

“I see…” Roxas can hear her sigh from his chair. “Next time, then.” She tried to be positive, but they both knew it will not be happening soon.

The conversation ended after that. He quickly ate his breakfast and went out. His mother sent him off with a smile and wave. It was bittersweet. He clearly knew what she was thinking, and what she is looking at when she does this. He clearly didn't want to stay long enough to see her cry.

His parents’ relationship with him is a little strained. Roxas decided to study high school three towns away with his cousin Vanitas. They were opposed to it. Everyone was. But Roxas didn't budge. Out of spite, he didn't contact anyone during those years. They didn't know how it felt, and it’s a bother to tell them anyways. They wouldn't care what he feel anyways. His was more important.

Roxas did, however, go back here in his hometown after some begging. Everyone had to compromise. Roxas said he will come back to study for college, but no one can force him to go to the hospital. His family members were disappointed, but at least he can be within reach. The fact that he is in the same town was comforting enough.

Remembering this, he quickly took out his phone and replied “Good morning,” to someone. He was already near the school gates, when Olette caught up and gave him a friendly pat on the back.

“Morning,” Olette said while catching her breath. 

“Good morning.”

“Can I ask you a favor?” Olette didn't bother glossing it over and just went straight to the point. “Can you come to my club’s party tonight?” 

Roxas raised an eyebrow and was weirded out by the request. It was already months in during the semester, so this couldn't be a party to attract new members.

“You know I won't join your club, right?”

Olette sighed and scratched her head in embarrassment. “It’s actually a celebration of our hard work. Our crowdfunding campaign was a success so we thought we could celebrate. We just opened it for the public just in case we can recruit new members.”

Roxas didn't reply. “Aw come on, Roxas. We had a quota of two quests per member. Pence and Hayner already declined.” 

“I’m quite flattered I’m the last person you asked,” Roxas jokingly said. That made Olette pout. 

“I’ll stop pestering you about visiting for a month.”

Olette dropped her cards on the table. Roxas was already planning on accepting the invitation, since he did say to his mother he had plans. But this was quite an interesting turn of events. Roxas knew she wouldn't last for two weeks without pestering him to visit his brother, but it was a nice leverage to have. Roxas can guilt-trip Olette if she does slip up. He can make her stop pestering him more.

“Fine.”

“Yes!!” Olette did a small victory dance and went back to her thoughts. “ You know, we really did grew apart - us four, I mean. Since we started college, I only see Pence at the library and Hayner just straight-up declines all my offers. Especially you, you…you became so distant since you left.”

Roxas didn't reply. It was true that they grown apart, but he honestly thought it was just because he was distancing himself from the others to begin with. He didn't notice the group was not actually hanging out that much even without him. Roxas knew Pence really enjoyed his major; that is why he kept studying while Hayner… Hayner couldn't just bear seeing his first love dedicate herself to a certain cause.

It was already 7 P.M. when Roxas got out of his class. He really was regretting taking night classes just because he doesn't want to wake up early. He texted Olette he was on his way and proceeded to head to a local bar.

The bar was packed with students from his university. It seemed the two guest per member rule was a strict implementation. Roxas tried calling Olette’s phone but there was no answer. She should be done visiting Ventus right now, so she should be here. She should be. Roxas really wouldn't want to be in here, when the person who invited him was on the hospital.

Roxas quickly avoided the crowd and sat near the barkeep. He really didn't enjoy this kind of event. Before he could order his drink, he noticed a young blonde woman sitting beside him eating a parfait that doesn’t look like a part of the menu.

“Hello.” The young blonde woman greeted. “It seems you are also invited here against your will?”

Roxas gulped and took the nearest glass of water he could find. He laughed nervously and replied, “Yeah… I can't even find the person who invited me.”

The woman laughed and stretched her hand towards him. “ I’m Namine. And you are?”

“Roxas,” he returned the handshake.

Namine visibly gasped and was lost in thoughts. Her forehead slightly knotted and she muttered, “So he is Roxas…” Fortunately for her, Roxas was not paying attention. He was looking at the menu and thinking of what he will drink.

Namine and Roxas had small talk afterwards. Roxas was just so happy he had someone to talk to at the party, that he didn't realize Namine didn't talk unless he asked her a question. 

Namine was polite so she couldn't just brush him off. To be honest, her curiosity made her stay. She was uncomfortable, but not because Roxas was a bad guy. She just didn't want to meet him like this. Actually, she didn't want to meet him at all. 

After a couple of hours, Roxas and Namine said their goodbyes. He offered to escort her to her dorms but Namine refused. Roxas clearly drank too much alcohol just to calm his nerves to talk to her. Luckily, Roxas managed to get home safely. His drinking shenanigans with Vanitas during high school prepared him for this. 

He quickly tossed the pants he was wearing on the floor and just crashes on his bed. Before he could sleep however, he managed to pull out his phone and type a message.

“Ven, I talked to the most beautiful girl I saw tonight.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas woke up with a severe hangover. Meet Axel and talked about ghosts and stuff. Also Sora is studying hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst is incoming on the next few chapters so I will make the chapter summaries fun for the ages :D

Today was Saturday. Roxas woke up at 11 AM with a serious hangover. His drinking shenanigans with Vanitas didn't prepare him for this. He took his cellphone and checked a couple of messages. There was one that caught his attention.

“Meet me at the secret base - Sora”

It was from a couple of hours ago but Roxas decided to get up and replied. He finally put the pants - he was wearing them for a week now - on the bin, and pulled a new one from one of his drawers. However, even in his state he still managed to do his same routine: Get the nearest shirt from the closet. Still believing he could fix bed hair with a measly comb, and affectionately looking at the picture frame on his tabletop.

By the time Sora replied back, Roxas was already halfway to their base. It would have really sucked if Sora replied he was already gone. Luckily, Sora just replied, “Oh cool.”

Roxas caught a glance of a local convenience store when he realized he went out without eating anything. He checked his pockets and realized he didn't even bring his wallet either. Roxas hoped Sora had at least water in there.

“Yo Roxas!” a familiar voice greeted him from the direction of the convenience store.

Roxas’s mood suddenly perked up and faced the man who called him. “Hey Axel! Lunch break?” Roxas asked after seeing a half-finished lunch box clearly bought from the convenience store. 

“Yeah.” Axel smiled and offered some, which Roxas refused. “The store didn't have a lot customers, so Boss told me to have an early lunch.”

“Maaaan. I wish I could have just started working after high school.” Roxas slumped and pouted.”I’m just wasting my time away on college.”

Axel snickered and patted Roxas on the back for encouragement. Too hard, in fact. “You know you’re doing that for both you and Ven, right?” 

The response didn't sit well with Roxas. He knows Axel didn't mean well, but he didn’t really like the notion of living for the both of them. It brings a bad feeling for him. As if they are already killing Ven away. Like he has no hope of ever recovering.

“Hey…” Axel swallowed his food and tried to change the topic. Axel knew that he hit a wrong spot with that comment. “Do you believe in ghosts, Roxas?”

Roxas was pulled out of his thoughts with the weird and sudden question. “No?” was the only thing Roxas can mutter. He is grateful for a sudden change of topic but he isn't really sober to answer such bizarre questions.

“You see...I had this friend who died a couple of months ago. I know she died. I even went to her funeral.” Roxas raised his eyebrow and remained silent, simply because he doesn’t really know where this conversation is headed. “But then I saw her! I saw her roaming around here a month ago.”

“Have you seen if she has feet?” Roxas monotonously continued the conversation.

“Roxas!!!” Axel forcefully grabbed Roxas’ arms and violently shook him. “ I am serious here! It has kept me awake at night. I… I really wished she didn't die so suddenly.”

Roxas saw the change in Axel’s mood. However, before he could even console the guy, Axel jumped out as he looked on his wristwatch. “Crap! It's time to go back to the store. See ya!”

Axel left the same way he entered, like a storm. Axel isn't really the person to talk to when you are hungover. Regardless of the minor setback, Roxas continued on to the secret base. He didn't knock and just waltzed right in. There he saw Sora sitting beside a tremendous stack of books.

“Hey.”

“Sup.”

Sora didn't even look up to see who was right in front of him. By the looks of it, he was studying. Sora failed his college entrance exams last year. Well to be exact, he didn't take one.

“Sora, food,” Roxas said as he lay on the last sofa that was not occupied by a stack of books.

“I don’t have any,” Sora said as he flipped the book he was looking at. He was studying seriously, Roxas thought. “Someone will come with lunch later.”

“I’ll be dead by then.” Roxas then proceeded to fall from the sofa and cried out the most melodramatic death cry ever. The acting was so terrible that Sora couldn't help but laugh at Roxas. Roxas soon followed and sat up properly this time. “Why not enroll yourself in a cram school?”

Sora just shook his head and unwaveringly studied the textbook in front of him. “I need to do this for her. I want to show her that I’m already doing okay.” Sora looked up at Roxas, and gave him one of his signature goofy smile.

“Sorry…” Roxas gulped and tried to find the right words. “Sorry for your loss. I'm really sorry I couldn't attend your girlfriend’s funeral a few months back. I knew you needed me. Heck, even Vanitas came.”

Sora put down the book he was reading and just smiled. “I know you’ve been fighting your own demons. Don't worry. I understand you. And besides Van is my older brother - he HAS to come.”

Roxas couldn't find the right response. So he just sat there clenching his fists. Roxas knows that all the people around him couldn't understand what he and Ventus are going through. But Sora was different.

“Hey…” A girl with an auburn hair broke the silence. She was wearing an oversized black jacket with pink linings and a short too short that you can't even see it from the jacket. “Sora, I brought you food,” the girl said, still hiding behind the door.

“Hey!” Sora shot up from his seat and faltered a little bit after seeing the girl’s appearance. “Uhhh… You can place it on the table.”

“I…” The girl entered the room and looked at Roxas. “I thought you were with Riku.”

Despite the girl’s outlandish outfit, she seemed shy. She was so soft-spoken that Roxas can’t even hear her half of the time. He’s amazed Sora can even hear her. Upon closer inspection, Roxas noticed something. He noticed her blue eyes. It was the same eyes he was looking at the night prior.

“Do I know you?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas confronted Namine about seeing her last Saturday but all she did was gave him vague answers. Clueless, Roxas pestered Pence to solve the mystery for him. Also Axel is still hung up about the ghost he saw.

The cafeteria was bustling with students during lunch time. For the very first time in a while, Hayner, Pence, Olette and Roxas had the same free time. It was the first time they had lunch together since the semester started. However, instead of catching up or talking about school stuff, they sat there, silently eating while looking at a disgruntled Roxas. He was like that since they sat on their chairs.

Roxas sported a knitted eyebrow and kept tapping his utensils at the table. His friends tried their best to ignore him. They know that “a Roxas tantrum” is a force to be reckoned with. They don't even know if it's one of them who made him like that. 

“Do you…” Roxas finally spoke. Everyone tried their best to hide their curiosity. They failed, obviously but Roxas was too preoccupied to notice. “Do you guys wear clothes clearly not your style?” This time it’s his friends turn to knit their eyebrows. The question Roxas posed made them more curious. “I mean, would you normally wear a wig, a stylish jacket, and knee high boots when you go out?” Roxas continued, seeing that his friends look totally clueless.

“No…” The trio answered despite having no clue where the conversation was headed.

“Exactly!” Roxas jumped out of his chair and exclaimed. “Why would she wear cute dresses at school, then go out and wear a stylish get-up on weekends?”

“Maybe it's cosplay?” Pence asked.

“Is it still considered cosplay if it's not a fictional character?” Roxas rebutted.

“How do you know that it's not a character, though?” It was then Olette’s turn to ask a question.

“Because…” Roxas sat down and remembered his previous interaction with Namine last Saturday. She just bolted after he asked if he knew her. He tried to chase after her and saw her a couple of blocks away from the secret base. Namine was crying and was on the floor as her auburn wig slowly fell down from her head. She must have tripped while trying to run away from him. All he could hear from her was, ‘She’s here. She’s not dead. Kairi’s okay.’ 

“Because you wouldn’t act like that if it's simply cosplay,” Roxas continued.

“Maybe that’s just her style. Why judge her like that, Roxas?” Olette tried to lighten the mood and playfully smacked Roxas in the back.

“Can you tell us what really happened?” Hayner asked.

“I met this girl last Friday. At Olette’s party.“ Roxas then glared at Olette. She really did bail out on him like he suspected. The only excuse Olette had was ‘visiting Ven kept me long’. Roxas didn't know if it was Olette’s fault, or Ven just intentionally kept her long to spite him. “We talked and stuff. After that, I saw her with an auburn wig, a black oversized jacket, and knee high boots the next day.”

Hayner sighed and stood up. “You’re overthinking it. I agree with Olette. Maybe it’s just her style.” Hayner took his tray and proceeded to leave.

“You’re leaving?” Olette stood up and asked worriedly. 

“What? You have anything more to say?” Hayner coldly asked. 

Olette was surprised by the cold treatment. She was actually so shocked that she didn't manage to speak back. Olette knew she had grown apart from the boys but not this much. This actually confirms why Hayner has been declining her offers to hang out. 

“Ah!” Roxas screamed interrupted both Hayner’s departure from the group and Olette's thought. “Namine!”

Namine was a couple of meters away from the group yet even she heard Roxas’ loud scream. She and her friends were actually surprised. She heard murmurs on the back. No doubt, there will be rumors about them going out soon. Namine just sighed and waved her hands dismissively to her friends. Her friends giggled in amusement then left her alone.

“Is there something you want?” Namine asked and smiled in the most polite yet superficial way she could.

“Ho-how are you after, you know, last Saturday?” Roxas asked nervously. He didn't know she will meet her this soon. He was actually blushing. He hoped she doesn’t noticed it.

“What do you mean, last Saturday? Have we met last Saturday? You must be mistaken,” Namine blinked innocently and flashed her signature smile. Namine hoped it was enough to deter Roxas off.

Roxas was taken aback. He suddenly felt unsure if he really did see Namine. Roxas even heard Hayner sigh in embarrassment. However, Hayner’s sigh agitated Roxas more and pushed him to continue the conversation. “I mean, I saw you without your wig, crying…” Roxas trailed off and didn't continue his words out of respect for Namine.

Namine pulled back. She didn't knew Roxas saw her with a wig off. She could bluff her way if she still had the wig, but him seeing her without one was different. However, she wasn't gonna fall back and admit defeat. Namine bit her lip and then continued to smile innocently. “Are you really sure that it’s me?”

Roxas raised his eyebrow and said, “I think so? The girl I saw have the same eyes and face as you. Also your hair as well, I guess?”

Namine then chuckled and smiled. “That’s not enough. That’s not enough to say that it’s me. Anyways, I have to go. I need to eat lunch.” Namine then turned and waved goodbye. She really hoped this was the end of their conversation 

“Namine!” was the only thing Roxas can muster amidst the conversation.

Namine stopped from her tracks and turned. “Are you sure I’m Namine?”

Roxas was confused. Roxas was actually so confused, he followed Pence to the library, in hopes that Pence can help him. Pence, on the other hand, was not amused. Even if he ignores Roxas, he will mumble and will make Pence lose his focus. Pence was also sure Roxas had classes this time. He must be ditching again. Pence also remembered Roxas had class before this as well. Roxas wasn’t taking his class seriously at all. Pence wanted to scold him but seeing it’s Roxas, he was wasting his breath.

“What do you think?” Roxas started the conversation.”There’s something fishy about her, right?”

Pence admitted defeat and closed the book he was about to read. Even Pence was curious about Namine after all. “Well, she has a funny of way of saying you are wrong about her, that's for sure.”

“Right!” Roxas got excited and slammed the table as he shouted. “She could have just said ‘No’ and be done with it.”

Pence sighed. “She did, you idiot!” Roxas tried to remember the conversation, and just laughed in embarrassment after remembering that Namine really did say that. “The weird part is after she said no. After you followed up with seeing her without her wig and whatnot, she changed her response, right? If you really did mistook her, wouldn’t she have kept saying, ‘No,’ instead of giving these weird, vague responses?”

Roxas just nodded in agreement, to which Pence sighed. He wasn’t really thinking this through. Roxas was just basing his suspicions on gut feeling, or worse from his infatuation. Either way, Pence needed to get over with this quick, or else be might end up not going to class himself.

“Now the question here is, why is she giving us these weird answers?” 

Roxas assumed a thinking pose, and this time, actually was thinking things through. “Maybe Namine was not really her name?”

Pence gave it some thought, but ultimately dismissed Roxas’ idea. “If Namine wasn’t her name, she would have said so, instead of saying ‘Are you sure I’m Namine?’” 

Roxas raised his hands up in defeat. His brain was really fried. “Then, what do you think she meant?” Roxas ultimately passed the thinking to Pence. He might be curious with what is up with Namine, but Roxas doesn't have the brain to think it out.

“If it’s not an alias, then there’s only thing I could think of, which is she has a lookalike. Namine did say it was not enough to prove you saw her from based on her physical features.”

“So, like a twin?” Roxas asked which Pence shrugged into a maybe. The thought made him felt uneasy and felt too close to home. Roxas wasn't really happy knowing that Namine has a twin as well. However, Roxas quickly changed gears: his similarities with Namine is not enough for him to stop knowing the truth. Roxas needed to know why she was wearing her sister’s clothes. 

“How can you check someone’s student info without arousing suspicion?”

 

Roxas was circling the administration office. Pence didn’t really like what Roxas was trying to attempt so he left him be. Pence wouldn't even give Roxas any piece of advice. So here is Roxas, just circling the office for a good half hour. After a few minutes, a blonde girl with two weird antenna hair strands popping out opened the door. She was holding some documents and seemed to be going to deliver them somewhere else. 

“Is there something you want?” the blonde girl asked while signaling someone from inside to accommodate Roxas.

“Uhhh...” Roxas was lost with words. He really should have thought this through before coming here. “I’m here to get Namine’s student information?” Roxas opted for the direct approach, since he’s out of options and would probably not think of any other reason, either way.

Roxas braced himself for a negative response, but the blonde girl just clapped and motioned Roxas inside. “Namine told us you would get this for her.” 

Roxas was shocked. Namine saw right through him and even made it easier for him to get the document. He wasn’t complaining, though. Actually, he was really grateful. However, he was still questioning why would Namine do it. Was this a game for her, or was there something more to this than he knew?

Either way, Roxas was eager to get to the bottom of this. He was clearly enjoying it. Roxas said his thanks to the girl, and immediately went out of the office to check the document. He quickly looked for a nearby bench and sat there to read the document. After a couple of skims, Roxas scowled. He took out his phone and called Pence.

“No luck. There wasn’t any info on the twin. The only family member on here was her deceased mother.” 

“Maybe look at it from a different angle. You only proved at the existence of Namine. Why not check for the girl she is supposedly cosplaying? Do you know the name of the girl?”

Roxas gave it some thought and paused for a while. “I’m not sure about this, but... maybe it’s Kairi?”

Pence’s face went pale, and he felt a cold sweat on his face. He really didn’t like where this is going. He tried to close his eyes and tried to put two and two together. However, his pounding chest and rattled brain couldn't let himself focus. Without a second thought, Pence just hung up on Roxas and browsed his gallery. There, he saw it. The only picture of Sora and his girlfriend with him and the gang. She looked like Namine.

“Wha-?” Roxas was surprised when Pence suddenly fell silent and hung up on him. Before he could properly process it though, Axel appeared before him yet again - this time eating a popsicle.

“Sup!” Axel broke his popsicle in half and offered Roxas one. “Is something the matter?”

“Pence just hung up on me!”

“That’s rough, buddy.” Axel sported a mischievous smile and continued. “This town’s amazing, huh? How was it after living from a different town for your whole high school life?” Roxas raised his eyebrow and looked at Axel. Axel was gazing at the people walking about. He was looking so intently as if it was nostalgic to him. As if Axel couldn’t experience it himself. 

Roxas then realized why. Axel was born into a problematic household. They were happy but they were broke. From what he heard from his friends, Axel kept moving from town to town during the time Roxas was away. There was a time that Axel and his family only lived for a whole week in one town.

“For me, being back here all alone was so surreal. All of my memories playing with you guys are here. But it’s bittersweet knowing that my family is not here and they are probably still having problems after I left them. I never fully settled here. Saix was gone studying college, and you were ignoring everyone else. It felt so lonely. Then there’s this girl who welcomed me. She kept talking to me and kept me company.”

“What are you babbling about?” Roxas interjected. Roxas knew Axel had the habit of opening topics out of the blue. But somehow, this time felt different. As if there was a trigger to all of this.

“I was really sad she died. Kairi was really a special friend to me, you know. That’s why seeing someone looking like her move about is really scaring me.”

Roxas was about to tease him about this ghost thing again, but then it clicked to him. Everything finally made sense and he really did not like the idea of it. Roxas gulped and tried his best to force out a question. “Kairi was the name of Sora’s girlfriend, right? The girl who died a few months ago?”

“Uh….yeah?”

“Can you tell me where she is buried?”

Roxas was running as fast as he could. He doesn't know what to feel about Namine right now. He couldn’t comprehend why she would do that. Why would she dress up as someone dead? And if Pence was right, her twin. He then noticed that Namine was wearing Kairi’s clothes in front of Sora. He felt angry. He felt sick from his stomach. Why was she doing all of this?

“I knew you’d be here.” 

Roxas finally arrived at the cemetery. Namine was waiting for him. She had a bouquet full of flowers and sporting her signature smile. But this time, Roxas felt something different about her smile. He doesn't feel like the smile was forced but instead it felt bittersweet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Namine recalls her life to Roxas. Her ups and downs. And more importantly her relationship with Kairi.

Namine hated reading books. They were always so whimsical. So free. So over the top. Twins were always destined into something great or tragic. They can be separated. They can be fated to kill one another. They can be cursed. But they were never normal. They were never just sitting on the sofa and being with their parents. They are always destined with something great but never normal.

“Stop that,” Namine’s father screamed. “What if you hurt the children?”

There was no reply but Namine can hear loud gulping noises, followed by a bottle smashing to the wall.

It was, sadly, a typical afternoon for the family. Namine’s parents were quite young. They eloped during their third year of high school, and were screaming to the world they were so in love, they could face everything.  
However, love alone couldn't place food on their plate. The young couple lived in manga cafes for a while and did odd jobs left and right. They were happy though. According to the couple, not a single day was boring. They were not stuck in some classroom or office. They were even happy that their love even bore fruit.

“If we haven't had twins, we would be sooooooo happy right now,” Namine’s mother said in her drunken state.

Namine clutched her sketch pad and curled into a smaller ball from where she sat. This was not the first time her mother said that. Namine was used to it. It was actually an indicator that her mother was so drunk, she can pass out at any moment. But that didn't stop Namine from believing her mother’s words. She actually believed her parents would be happy if she wasn’t born. Namine was the unwanted one. 

Namine heard her father frantically hurrying towards her mother’s side. Her father must have been trying to calm her mother down. There was silence for a while, but the ever-familiar hiccups of her mother began once again. 

Namine sighed and took a peek at their small kitchen. Namine’s family lived in a rundown single room apartment. Every step made a creak. The painting on the walls were coming off. Rainy days were always awful. And Namine and Kairi were slowly growing out of the futon they were sleeping in.

Namine saw her father picking up shards on the floor. She was about to stand up and help when she saw her mother glaring at her while sipping another bottle of alcohol. Namine curled once again and looked at her older sister playing near the veranda. Kairi was busy humming and was stacking the pales they use during rainy days into some sort of tower. 

Namine was jealous. Only the older sister can remain calm in this commotion. Of course she has to be; Kairi was the only one they expected. Kairi was the only one who should have existed. Namine, on the other hand, was excess baggage.

Kairi stopped playing and smiled at Namine. Namine must have been staring for a while. Kairi stood up and pulled Namine up from her seat. Kairi then forcefully dragged Namine to the kitchen and boldly stated, “We’re going to play outside.”

Their father was surprised that his children can boldly break the ice in this kind of situation. “Ah, ye-yeah sweetie. Just don’t stay up too late.”

Kairi smiled and skipped as she and Namine were on their way out of the door. The two were going to their usual spot. They didn’t really have toys in their house so they often spend their days on the playground near their house. 

“She didn’t mean that,” Kairi stopped and smiled at Namine, “Mom cares for us. She just had a bad day!” Kairi puffed her cheek and nodded. Namine felt like Kairi was trying to convince herself more than Namine.

“Ye-yeah,” Namine lied. Deep inside, Namine knew Kairi could only say that bravely because she isn't the one who will be punished for existing.

\--

Namine woke up from a raindrop constantly falling her face. Two futons were absent from the room and the cabinet was suspiciously tidy. Namine stood up and tried to look for someone. Kairi was usually still asleep by this time and her father should be working. Namine tried to call out Kairi’s name but no one responded. All Namine could hear was sobs from the kitchen. She was hesitant but managed to look at the kitchen.

“They left.” Namine’s mother said while she was holding an empty bottle of alcohol. “I tried to reason out with your father but he said he can’t take it anymore. He took Kairi with him.”

It was understandable thinking back on it now. Namine’s father was working two shifts from Monday to Saturday. And he has to come home to a drunk wife who throws bottles like there was no tomorrow. Namine’s mother doesn't have a stable job. The couple had an agreement that Namine’s mother will only do odd jobs around the city for extra money. The arrangement was for taking care of Namine and Kairi. But in the end, it was the twins who took care of their drunken mother. Not to mention the money she earned went to her drinking.

Their mother wasn’t really bad. She did her best. Their mother often treated them to ice cream or took them to the park when she was in a good mood. Sadly, that wasn’t often anymore. Namine’s mother drinks whenever they were in trouble with cash and nowadays, they are more in the red than in the clear. Namine’s father would even cry for joy if his salary could at least breakeven the costs on the house.

Namine wasn't really comfortable with the situation. Her father didn't leave clues on where they could be. And Namine was too scared to ask her mother about their whereabouts. Namine really thought if things like this could happen, her mother would probably pick Kairi over her. Kairi was the first born. Kairi wasn't the one who destroyed this family apart.

In the first few days, Namine was so guarded about everything. Every time her mother remotely tries to move or look at her direction, she would flinch. Namine wanted to stop, of course. If she becomes more of a problem to her mother, she knew she would be thrown away like those alcohol bottles. Luckily, her mother’s only response was a displeased sigh.

\--

“Was it true?” A boy slammed her desk and placed his face closer than Namine would have liked. “Was it true your parents broke up and your father and Kairi moved away?” the boy repeated and loudly this time.

Namine swore her whole class stopped on their tracks and waited for her response. When she couldn’t answer in time, her classmates began to huddle and murmured to each other.

“Did Namine’s parents get divorced?”

“My Mom said they were never married in the first place!”

“I miss Kairi.”

“I wish I could have said goodbye.”

This conversation continued for a long, long time. Longer than Namine wanted it to be. Parents who fetch their children would look at her with such pity. Some would even come up, look for wounds and hand out a card for the children protection agency just in case. Needless to say, Namine never wanted anyone to know what her family situation was like after that. She stopped mentioning to people that she even has a twin.

\--

“Welcome home,” Namine got out of the chair and welcomed her mother. She took out her mother’s coat and neatly placed it on the rack. “Dinner’s ready. Would you like a bath first? School has a printout that needs to be signed by you.”

Namine’s mother just dismissively waved and muttered, “Later” then crashed into her bed. After her father left, her mother changed. She was forced to grow up. Namine’s father didn't leave any money behind. But he did leave the family’s debt. It was really tough on her mother’s part. It was a good wake-up call for sure, but it was harsh for someone as good-natured as her father. Though, she hoped they were at least sleeping somewhere with a roof.

“What’s the printout about?” Namine was washing the dishes when she heard her mother muttered on her bed.

“A field trip.” Namine hesitantly said and followed up with, “I know money is rough right now. I can always go when I’m older. You don’t have to worry about it. I can just study here and get my grades up so I can study at a great high school.” Namine rambled on and on. She was convincing herself that this field trip was not worth it, even though she had been saving up for it and the date on the calendar was circled red. 

Her mother was used to it. She knew what damage she brought to Namine. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, and most importantly, fear of her. She tried to make amends with Namine, but a childhood full of scarring remarks will not go away with just being nice. She tried and she knew she has a lot more to atone for. She just lets Namine ramble on the kitchen and signed the form. She also added some extra money as a bonus. 

\--

Namine hated mirrors. Every time she looked she saw Kairi. Namine saw a girl with a great smile and good social skills. Ever since they left, Namine felt empty. She felt a half of her was missing. She tried to mask it by not mentioning Kairi’s existence to others, but it still bothered her. She was scared that one day, someone would see Kairi and asked Namine if she was her the following day. It made her on edge. It was her nightmare.

Over time, it became an obsession. She tried to change her hairstyle. Grow her hair out. Cut it way too short. Change her dress. Put on some make up. But it never felt right. Whenever she looked at the mirror, it was still Kairi that Namine can see. In fact, this outlandish behaviour fitted Kairi more than her. Or at least that's what Namine imagined her would be. Namine and Kairi parted ways when they were 5 and now they were 15. During those ten years, Namine created this image of Kairi: a happy-go-lucky popular girl. But deep inside, she knew this is what she wanted to be and not what she thinks of Kairi .

Her latest attempt to not be Kairi was dyeing her hair blonde. It was her high-school debut. When she came home after doing it, her mother just sat there shocked. Namine, of course, tried to ramble her reasons. She kept saying she will still study hard, or she was not a delinquent or anything. Her mother just affectionately smiled and let her be.

However three towns away, Kairi was doing the same. She bought some dye from some local beauty store and barricaded herself on her room. Her father was very curious and worried. Kairi was screaming and crying. If Kairi didn't tell her father she was dyeing her hair, he must have broken into her room. Two hours later, Kairi emerged with her goofiest smile ever.

“Well, Dad?” she asked, then twirled. “What do you think?”

“I’m kicking you out,” her father said while sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. She was shocked. She tried to remember if she asked permission to dye her hair before she did it. He then chuckled and continued, “What a travesty! My child is a delinquent! Look at her fiery red hair.”

Kairi nervously laughed and punched her father on the shoulders to release some tension. “I hate you! Don't scare me like that.”

“You looked like your mother.” He put down his newspaper and stared longingly in the distance. Kairi just smiled and let him be. It was a normal occurrence to the household. According to him, she was her one and only love. Followed by a joke on how scary she was or how drunk she may be.

Kairi still remembered that day all too well. It was raining. She was awoken by her parents arguing. She tried to look at Namine and saw that she was sleeping soundly. She really didn't want Namine to blame herself for this fight. Kairi sat as close at the kitchen as possible to hear them talking. Their mother was crying. Kairi could hear pleas but their father wouldn't budge. Next thing she knew, their father went inside the room and started packing his things.

“Dad?” Kairi stood up from the corner she was in, completely unaware of what was happening.

“Oh, hey there sweetie,” their father said without slowing down with packing his things. “Pack your bags as well.”

“Are we going on a trip?” Kairi asked in a worried tone. 

Their father just sighed and went to her. He hugged her and cupped her cheeks. “We are leaving Mom and Namine. I- I can't live like this anymore. I can't stand seeing you kids like this.”

“Then...” Kairi shouted, stalling for time. She bit her lip and looked at Namine’s sleeping face. “Then let’s bring Namine! Mom won't take care of her! She hates her. I am the older sister. I need to protect her.”

Their father tried to hold back his tears and hugged her again. “We can’t.”

The next thing Kairi knew, they were already outside. It was raining but she can certainly see his father crying the whole time.

“Did you take me with you because I was the one who was awake?” Kairi asked while in the middle of eating dinner.The sudden question made her father choke. “I was reminiscing, that’s all.” Kairi looked at her newly-dyed hair and smiled.

“Your mother…” He paused. He didn't really know how to phrase it right. “Your mother wanted Namine more because she was more behaved than you.”

“She was afraid,” Kairi corrected.”Namine kept blaming herself for our misfortune back then. Mom kept saying if you haven't had twins, everything was gonna be perfect. I always kept thinking about whether she can survive with her.”

“She was okay. She even went to a top high school,” her father smiled and joked. “I really got the short end of the stick”. Both of them smiled and continued eating. However, without warning, Kairi kicked her father's feet under the table and coyly laughed at his misery.

\--

Kairi’s reason for dyeing her hair wasn't as symbolic as Namine's. Kairi wanted to protect Namine. She was worried. She even tried stalking them at one point. They both do. However, Kairi realized that it was unhealthy. She needed to move on. Her fiery protective nature just manifested in her new red hair. She dyed her hair to signify that she can’t force herself into Namine’s life anymore. Or rather she shouldn't anymore. 

It didn't hurt that Namine seemed to get by without her around. But it did hurt that without this protective nature of Namine, she was nothing. She never had aspirations. She didn’t excel in studies. She didn't have any talent like Namine did. She was just this preppy girl that got along with everyone. Because of this emptiness she had, Kairi’s transformation didn’t just stop with dyeing her hair.

“Can I ask why?” Kairi’s father asked her during their dinner. He raised his eyebrows and gestured with the fork at her from head to toe. “Is this what young kids would say edgy?”

Kairi facepalmed. She didn't know if he was joking or not. She was wearing a black leather jacket, a white tank top, a pair of shorts that were too short, boots with heels that could kill, and to top it all off, a spiked choker. “This is tame!”

“Oh my GOD, that is tame?”

Needless to say, Kairi just wore her black jacket, a white t-shirt, an appropriate-length pair of shorts and sneakers. She was really sour after that. Good thing she only bought two outfits like that. However, she did wear it from time to time when her father wasn’t around.

\--

“Namine?”

Their meeting was unexpected to say the least. Kairi was busy hanging around with Sora and the others when she spotted Namine from the crowds. Even with the dyed hair, Kairi could still pick her out of the crowd.

“Kairi!”

They had a long conversation after that. They ordered lunch and dinner in the restaurant they were staying at. Even after years apart, there was no awkwardness between them. They felt complete.

“What are you doing here?” Namine asked.

“My boyfriend and I were visiting his cousin in the hospital.” 

“I can’t believe you have a boyfriend!”

“Oh yeah, he’s such a nice person. Always helping others.”

After meeting accidentally, the two couldn't help themselves being apart. At first, it was a monthly secret meeting. Then, it became a weekly thing, then became a calling and texting every waking minute. After a year of doing this, they were suddenly questioning why they have to be so secretive. When they were about to tell their parents however, the two started dating again.

“I never thought Mom would date again.”

“Dad, too.”

“I guess we’re keeping this until things settle down.” 

“Or to our deaths.”

Namine chuckled and playfully hit Kairi on her shoulders.

“Your place is not far from here, right? I wanna see it.”

Namine hesitated but she eventually said yes. Kairi wasn’t even trying to convince her. To be honest, Namine was in on the idea as well. She really wanted to have a normal family with Kairi again. 

“That’s strange…” Namine opened the door. “Mom’s not home yet.”

“Well, you want her to? How would I come inside then?”

“The window,” Namine replied with a smile.

The two laughed for a while. They don’t know if it was because of Namine’s idea of letting her twin sister climb up her window or the situation they were in right now. After a couple of minutes, Kairi stopped and began looking at the house. 

It was a decent second-story apartment. It was even bigger than their apartment. The house was covered in pink and there was a distinct smell of paint coming from the second floor. The house was also full of paintings. Kairi wasn't even sure if Namine was the one who did it. Kairi knew Namine won awards, but she never really saw artworks from her.

Speaking of awards, Kairi then started looking at the pictures hanging on the wall. There were a lot of awards. Kairi began to think that Namine not bragging at all was the biggest brag ever. But what caught her attention the most was a picture of her mother. Her mom was still beautiful. Her dad was really missing out. She then saw photos of her Mom and Namine together. Kairi was happy and sad at the same time. She was happy with her dad for sure but she wanted her family to get back together.

“Hide!” Namine said in a hushed manner as she pushed Kairi down. “Mom’s back.”

Kairi was beginning to panic when she noticed her mother was coming out a car. A car that she knows too well. That scratch on the back was a memorable death experience. Kairi squinted and tried to double check if it was him. But the only thing she saw was her mother kissing the man in the car. Kairi gasped and looked at Namine who was already rambling excuses behind her. 

It was too good to be true. But Kairi wanted it to be real. Kairi sighed and gathered all the strength she had. When she was ready, she stood up, opened the door and said. “Hi Dad! Care to introduce me to this lovely lady?”

\--

It was pure bliss. Apparently, their parents met accidentally and started dating again. At first,they wanted to remain friends who listens while the other complain. It was going on for years! No wonder why Kairi’s father knew what they were up to. He was getting it from their mother himself.

According to their father, it was a hard cat and mouse game. Their mother was so against it because she didn’t want to hurt her family again. Their father tried and tried, which according to their mother was meaningless, since she still had feelings for her. She was just scared she would relapse back to her old self. When she eventually said yes, she was adamant to make sure this time they would be okay as a couple first before tying the knot. It took years and they were ready to announce it to the twins when the twins beat them to it.

“Marrying after we graduate?” Kairi asked their parents ”You don’t have to be mindful with Namine and me.” 

They were at their weekly dinner in some fancy restaurant. Due to a lot of issues, the family couldn't just move in one big house right away. The twins were studying at completely different schools. The houses were also on loan. That's why they compromised and just opted to have dinner once a week. Which they also break every single time, the twins often eat somewhere while their parents goes on dates every single night.

“You two have college entrance exams to worry about. Besides it's going to be hard for you two to change names at the tail-end of the school year,” their mother reasoned out.

“You are just gonna enjoy the married life while both of us are studying far away from you,” Namine playfully teased which their father couldn't stop blushing about. 

\--

The happiness came and went as fast as it arrived.

“We will pick you up. We will celebrate your acceptance.”

Namine still remembered laughing at Kairi’s text. She just finished taking the exam and here was Kairi suddenly claiming she was already in. She waited for their car to arrive. She was on the lookout for a red car with a huge scratch on the back that, according Kairi, their father scratched upon getting the car. Their father was on a tight budget before, so he didn’t have any money to fix it. Over time, it became a remembrance of some sort that they just couldn't bring to remove.

“Yes, that’s them.”

Namine got a call from the hospital saying that there was an accident. All three passengers of the car were dead on the spot. The hospital were calling Namine to check if it was indeed her family.

It was tough. Namine buried all three of her family when it should have been the best times of their life. Namine tried to contact both of her grandparents but no one came. The house that the family just bought now has a lot of boxes that has no owners. They were supposed to start unpacking that weekend. Kairi was supposed to take her exam the following week. 

Everything felt empty. Everything felt meaningless. Her friends didn't know she lost three family members. They only thought it was only one. It become so hard to tell to others what her family situation was like or what it would have been if their parents did tie the knot that April.

Namine started hating to see her reflections once again. She didn’t see Kairi like she did before. She just saw herself. Empty. Broken. Sad. She stopped going to school. She declined the offer of studying at the prestigious art school she wanted. She just sat there in her room looking at her reflection. She couldn’t see Kairi anymore.

Then something vicious came to Namine’s mind. She went outside bought the best wig she could ever find and went home. She opened the boxes that were still lying on the living room and looked for Kairi’s clothes. Namine went upstairs, changed her clothes and put on the wig.

“Kairi’s here.”

Namine started going to school again. She was smiling and talking like nothing has happened. But back home, she would dress like Kairi and go out as if Namine was living Kairi’s life. Of course, Namine couldn't get into Kairi’s school so she just visited all of Kairi’s favorites spots. It went for a month and no one recognized Namine. It became a thrill for her. But then Namine saw him.

“Kairi?” It was Sora, Kairi’s boyfriend. He was breathing heavily and had dark circles on his eyes. He must have sprinted all this way to catch up to Namine. “It’s you, isn’t it?” Sora asked once again and was checking if what he was touching was real and if he can see if Namine has feet.

Namine remained silent. She can see Sora crying in relief. Sora then kneeled down and continued sobbing. His words were unrecognizable. But Namine just stayed there still, biting her lip and fighting her tears. 

Kairi isn’t here.

Riku pulled the two out and guided them to their secret base. Sora and Namine stood there half an hour before Riku found them. There were a lot of onlookers. People were mumbling. Riku couldn’t believe it either. There was Kairi standing in front of them. When Riku realized the two won’t stop anytime soon, he shooed the crowd away and brought some sense back to the two.

“You’re not Kairi, are you?” Riku asked. Namine only responded by tightening the grip on her juice box. “We heard she had a twin sister. Was that you?”

Namine didn’t reply. All Riku could do was sigh and help these two idiots back to sense. Sora was staring blankly into space, obviously tired from crying for, Riku hoped, only an hour. Namine, on the other hand, was still biting her lip and wouldn’t look at anyone else.

Riku had his job cut out of him.

Sora was the first to recover. Sora started studying for his entrance exams once again. He didn’t take one after Kairi died. He still went to school but it was only to graduate in peace. Riku really thought Sora would follow Kairi after he graduated because Sora kept saying “this is for her”.  
It took some time but Sora stopped calling Namine Kairi. Riku was not particularly sure if he did the right thing of bringing Namine to their secret base. Namine still wouldn’t talk to them and seemed like she couldn’t go outside without being Kairi. But slowly, Sora somehow pulled himself out of his depression. Riku still doesn't know how and why he changed. Riku asked but only got a “it’s time to grow up” from Sora.

Sora tried talking to Namine but she just wouldn’t budge when Sora started feeling better. Sora asking innocently was better than Riku who felt like he was interrogating her. They managed to get some replies but nothing that big to fill in the full picture.

However, everything changed when Sora mentioned Ventus. How Roxas left and how things were between them right now. Namine started opening up seeing that she wasn’t the only experiencing the emptiness she had. She felt connected with Ventus somehow. It became easier for her to confide between the two now that she knew that they knew someone who had a somewhat similar experience to her. 

Over time she began to heal herself. Namine credited Sora’s optimist behaviour really helped her moved on. It took some time but she slowly started to stop using Kairi’s clothes. Even though the two were desensitized at that point, there were still times that Namine acts like Kairi that they couldn't help but cry. 

“You’re inviting Roxas here?” Namine asked while biting her lip. She was uneasy. She wasn’t ready to bring another person into her life. She dreaded telling people what really happened. 

“Yeah. It’s been a while! I want to catch up.”

“If you’re not feeling okay with this, you can just skip it,” Riku said while patting her head. “Take one step at a time.”

“R-right!” Namine took a deep breath and sighed. ”It’s okay, Riku. I’m fine. I can go tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took awhile because I waited for KH3 to come out. I was thinking that maybe some elements of it might be good to include here. But it appears the game didn't add that much to my story. There will be no spoilers here whatsoever. However, I really liked Sora in KH3 so I might put him more here. He was just originally gonna appear a couple of times.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas finally confesses why he doesn't like visiting Ven

It was already night time when Namine finished talking. There was silence between the two. Namine tended the flowers on the grave while Roxas just stood there, speechless. Roxas didn’t really know what to say. Should he just leave? Should he stay?

Before he could even make a decision, Namine stood up and looked to the sky. “It’s raining.” Namine stretched her arms and tried to catch some of the raindrops with her hands. She smiled and gestured for Roxas to follow her. “You can stay at our house while you let the rain pass. I’m afraid my umbrella is at my dorm. Or if you hurry…”

Roxas tuned out the rest. For some reason, he couldn’t think straight. Something about Namine’s story resonated with him. He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. But somehow, Roxas felt closer to her.

Without Roxas’ knowing, the two managed to be inside Namine’s house. Roxas was already sitting by the kitchen table and Namine was preparing coffee for both of them. Roxas looked around and saw that the boxes Namine was referring to were still unpacked and scattered around the living room with few exceptions. There were no boxes labelled “Namine” and some of Kairi’s was opened. Roxas thought that Namine must not have touched everything or even tried to clean up ever since the accident.

Namine put down the coffee mug and sat across from Roxas. “Such a mess, isn’t it?” Namine asked when she noticed that Roxas was looking at the boxes. “I am still thinking if I should keep them or donate them.” Namine took a sip of her coffee and looked at the paper laying in front of them. It was a notice for selling the house. It made sense. A college student couldn’t be able to afford the rent and bills of the place.

“I… I never really wanted to meet you,” Namine said while fixing her gaze on her coffee cup. “I just want someone to hate. I just want to know that there are people out there who were wasting their time instead of spending it with their twin. It felt like my situation was not that bad.”

Roxas balled his fists. She was one of them. All of a sudden, the connection he felt was gone. She was one of them. She doesn’t understand him. No one ever will.

“I’m sorry…” Namine said as she put her hand on Roxas’ hand. “I’m sorry that I projected all my self-hatred to you. I made you run in circles figuring out who I was, because I hated that you were not visiting Ventus. I hated that you can just leave your twin like that.” 

Roxas bit his lips and didn’t answer. He was angry, but at this point, he didn’t know if it was because Namine played that sick game of hers, or because she was dressing up as Kairi in front of his mourning cousin Sora, or because he somehow became a punching bag to release some stress about her situation. But all he knew was it was all Namine’s fault. 

“And I’m sorry once again,” Namine said. That made Roxas perk his brow. “Because telling you about myself and Kairi made me feel better. For some reason, I felt that someone finally understand me.”

“Sora and Riku knew.”

Namine shook her head and smiled. “It was not the same as telling you. You know how it feels to have a twin. You know how it will feel if you lose them.” Roxas was taken aback and pulled his hands away from hers. “I always thought that no one will understand. They know that I am suffering but they don’t really know how that suffering really feels. And I know you do. It felt like a huge burden was lifted from my chest when I told you my story. I know we have different situations, and thinking back on it now, it feels wrong to even hate you for not visiting Ventus, and thinking that you are wasting time by not being with him. But I know now we are different; we have different situations.”

Roxas, who was trying to not look at Namine ever since the conversation started, looked at her and saw that she was smiling. “All I’m saying is we might not be in the same situation, but opening up to you made it feel a little lighter. Maybe all we needed was someone to talk to.” She was pleading in all of her heart for Roxas to open up. 

“I’m... I’m scared.” Roxas uttered. It was hard. He never really tried to put his feelings into words. “I’m scared of dying.” Roxas took a pause. He wanted to see if Namine was listening. If she was shocked. If she understands. Namine only gave him a little nod urging him to continue.

“Every time I look at Ventus, I never see my brother slowly dying before me. All I see was myself slowly dying. It feels like I was standing in front of a mirror, looking at myself on the deathbed. IT’S DISGUSTING. Why… why do I have to think like that when my brother is suffering? Why do I have to be so selfish?!”

“Whenever I visit him, I don’t feel like ‘Oh no, Ventus got a little thinner,’ but instead I feel like ‘That will be me when I’m sick. That’s what I will look like.’ It pisses me off. I can’t look at my brother. I sometimes wonder if I ever feel sorry and worried about him. It just brings a lot of dark thoughts that I never really want to have. I have nightmares. I can’t look at mirrors anymore because all I see is myself dying right in front of me. And I can’t say it to anyone because Ventus had it worse. I had the gall to make it about myself when he’s suffering.”

Roxas didn’t realize he was already sobbing and trembling in his seat. He tried to calm himself down and wipe his tears on his shirt. Now that Roxas was thinking clearly, he realized no one really knew what he was feeling. He never said it to anyone. He didn’t even tell Ventus what he was feeling. Roxas just assumed Ventus would get it. And that thought made him feel even worse. He really needed to talk to Ventus soon.

Namine never spoke nor moved from her chair. She just listened intently to Roxas. The only time she ever moved was when she tried to pour more coffee on both of their cups. Roxas rambled for another hour but his words were always the same. He felt like he was dying, and he was sorry that he felt that way. When he finally tired himself out from talking, Namine asked “Why did you come back, then?”

“Ven pleaded. He said I didn’t need to visit him. Just being in the same town with him was enough.” 

Namine found the arrangement rather odd but didn’t press any further. Asking Roxas any further seemed futile. Ventus would probably know more than Roxas would. Although, in the back of her mind, there was one reason that popped into her head as to the sudden request. Namine just wouldn’t want to admit it.

\--

Roxas and Ventus were born into a nice warm family. Their mother was a florist while their father was, ironically, a businessman who tended to buy a lot of flowers from her shop because he kept angering his then-girlfriend. Eventually, the two fell in love and the rest was history.

“You guys are having twins. But I don’t know if the mother can handle giving birth to both. We are not even sure if she can give birth at all.”

Their mother got sick while she was pregnant. According to the doctors, if she wasn’t having twins, there shouldn’t be any problem. The doctors even warned her that she might not make it if she tried to pursue giving birth to both children. She was persistent and was very happy to give life to both of them in exchange of her own.

Luckily, she gave birth without any problems. Her life was not in any danger whatsoever. Ventus was the oldest and was born a few minutes from Roxas. Ventus didn’t cry at all. At one point, the doctors thought he died because he was so silent. Roxas, on the other hand, cried the very minute he was born. There was a stark difference between the twins that the couple couldn’t help but recognize. 

Their happiness was cut short, however. Ventus was on an incubator for months. Right there, the couple knew that taking care of Ventus would be hard. Doctors listed different illnesses every single time he was hospitalized. His body couldn’t handle it, and a common cold could even be dangerous for him. 

Ventus, though weak-bodied, was not kept secluded in their house.Their parents always used to say, “Do everything to the fullest, and worry about the consequences for another day”. Roxas embodied this saying very well. Roxas was a troublemaker when he was a kid. They grew up in a nice neighborhood with Pence, Hayner, and Olette. They got in weird situations whenever Roxas or Hayner hatched a plan, or when Sora and Riku came to play with them. Ventus couldn’t keep up with them, so he usually just stayed back at the playground playing in the sand. Olette always stayed back and played with him, feeling guilty Ventus had to be left behind.

However, Ventus’ condition got worse as time went on. At first, he sat out PE at school. Then, he always had to visit the infirmary at school, because he will get sick in the middle of class. Then, he will be absent for days, or even weeks at a time. Ventus’ condition was so unstable, he dropped out of school. At first, he was happy playing alone in the house, but soon, he was bedridden, and over time, he was permanently admitted to the hospital. 

It was hard for the family, both emotionally and financially. Roxas tried to be optimistic about the situation, and tried to have fun for his brother’s sake too. However, Roxas heard one time that “he was sucking out Ventus’ life,” or for the lack of a better term, Roxas got the longer stick. Roxas didn’t know who said it and whether it was a joke or not but it stuck to him. 

This remark brought what his friends called “Roxas’ emo phase”. Roxas became aloof. He distanced himself from others. He stopped playing around and just hid himself in his room. This was also the time that people started noticing that Roxas didn’t really like visiting Ventus. He would often not visit for weeks, sometimes months. The only times Roxas would ever visit was when Ventus’ condition got worse or when he got tired of Olette nagging him to go. 

The final straw was when he decided to study at a different high school. Roxas took an exam on a high school that was cities away from his hometown. It was a prestigious school, so a lot of people never took his “moving out” plan seriously. But it happened in an instant. Roxas passed. He packed his bags and went away. 

No one knew that he was talking to Vanitas all this time. Vanitas was a college student living in an apartment not far from the high school Roxas wanted to go to. Vanitas supported the idea of Roxas living with him without ever consulting both their parents. “It simply didn’t cross my mind,” was Vanitas’ excuse. 

The twins’ mother was heartbroken. Not only did Roxas do it behind their back but he cut all communication with them. There were times that he even stopped taking allowances from his parents. His friends were curious about how he even managed to do it. Besides his tuition, he must have been paying for everything by himself. They thought he must have been saving for a long time which his mother couldn’t even want to fathom for how long. It went so bad that their dad went to Roxas’ apartment and begged for him to at least talk to his mother and let them be his parents again by taking the allowances.

According to Ventus, Roxas remained in contact with him during those years. Their mother was happy that at least Roxas was talking to Ventus. For those years, Roxas never visited and only occasionally texted his parents. His friends didn’t even get a simple birthday greeting from him. Hayner and Pence tried to talk to him but eventually they got tired. They couldn’t keep doing it one-sidedly after all. 

There was one time Roxas was tempted to go back. It was Kairi’s funeral. Sora and Vanitas and by some extension Riku was helping him out during his highschool years. At first, Roxas wanted to push Sora away. But Sora had this charisma that will pull you in. Sora had a very long phone call with Roxas the day Kairi died. He was sobbing and saying things in-between sobs that Roxas couldn’t understand. Roxas was really guilty he couldn’t visit Sora back then. Roxas realized he didn’t even remember her name even though Sora can’t go one minute gushing about her.

It was then that Ventus pleaded for Roxas to come back. Ventus didn’t give any reason. He just wanted Roxas back. Ventus laid out a lot of compromises that he was willing to endure just for Roxas to come back. It was the very first thing Ventus ever asked of Roxas. It bothered him, but Roxas was really scared why Ventus wanted him back.

They remained in contact via text messages. Ventus was still cynical and had a dark humor, while Roxas was this kid who lost hope and was directionless. Ventus tried to joke that Roxas ‘felt more dead’ than he was, and Roxas really took offense with it. Roxas knew he was just going with the flow, but he never really tried to find his purpose in life. He was already contemptuous by waking up in the morning.

\--   
Roxas and Namine stayed up all night talking. Their eyes were feeling heavy so they never really remembered what they were talking about. Namine woke Roxas up for the morning classes, but all Roxas did was go back home and sleep some more. His mother got worried about him so he had no choice but to go back to school in time for lunch.

“I heard you went out from Namine’s house this morning,” Haynet playfully nudged Roxas while they sat at the cafeteria. 

“I knew that helping you yesterday would make something happen, but I never knew you would sleep with her!” Pence exclaimed as he face-palmed. “Just what the hell happened to make you sleep with her?!”

Roxas was silent. He really didn’t know if he had the right to tell Namine’s story. And he wasn’t really ready to tell them his own. Before he could talk, Olette was in view happily talking with Namine. Half of Roxas wanted Namine to butt in and save him from this conversation, and the other half of him really didn’t want to talk her after being vulnerable to her yesterday.

“Hey, guys!” Olette waved, and as Roxas feared went straight to their table. Both Namine and Olette sat at the empty seats. “Thanks for having me here,” Namine said.

The guys thankfully dropped the conversation and sat in silence. There was a couple of idle chit-chat but the group was more focused on eating rather than talking which Roxas was thankful for. The moment they all finished eating, Roxas was ready to leave when Olette opened her mouth.

“Did you guys know?!” Olette pulled Namine closer that made the whole group raised their eyebrow. “Namine was Kairi’s twin all along!” 

Hayner was surprised and tried his hardest to picture if Kairi and Namine looked alike. Pence somehow already put pieces together yesterday when he was talking to Roxas. While Roxas was very on-edge about the situation.  
“Why tell now?” Pence asked.

“I don’t want to run away anymore,” Namine said with her eyes fixed at Roxas. “I want to move forward.” 

Roxas averted his eyes from Namine and remained silent for the rest of the conversation. The group asked Namine so many questions and some were still visibly hard for her to answer. Roxas saw Namine tremble or flash her signature fake smile when she didn’t like the question. When everyone got all their questions out, the group tried to head their way out.

Olette tried to tell the guys to visit Ventus from time to time. But the words seemed to fall on deaf ears since no one really tried to answer Olette. No one even acknowledged that Olette said something in the first place. However, Olette seemed to be used to it, and just said her goodbyes.

Namine tugged Roxas’ shirt and asked him to stay behind. The two went to courtyard and sat on one of the benches. There were people murmuring stuff while glancing at them, but Roxas paid no attention. Someone must have spread the rumor that he stayed the night at Namine’s.

“You don’t have to force yourself,” Namine said and smiled reassuringly. “I won’t tell anyone how you feel so you don’t need to be on guard about it.” Roxas loosened up and finally realized why he was so on-edge ever since Namine showed up in the cafeteria. “You also don’t need to talk to Ventus soon if you are not ready yet, I won’t force you. I made my decision to tell others about Kairi because it will lessen the load for me. I know it won’t be the same for you. I just hope it would at least give you some courage for you to face your problems head on.” 

Roxas felt speechless. No one ever supported him this way. Everyone always put Ventus’ feelings first before Roxas. After all, Ventus had it the hardest. However, for some reason, Roxas felt that Namine was trying very hard. Like she was bracing herself to do something. Her eyes had resolve, and Roxas didn’t know where it was coming from. 

\--

It was Sunday. Namine woke up from the ringing of her alarm clock. She quickly rose from her bed and showered. She put on some clothes and fixed herself some pancakes for breakfast. She looked at her watch and smiled, seeing that she had a little more time than she imagined. She debated wearing Kairi’s boots or her normal sandals. Namine really did grow fond of wearing Kairi’s outfits. Kairi really had a lot of style, after all. 

After much debate, she settled on a white long sleeve sweater, denim shorts and Kairi’s ankle high black boots. Kairi had so many boots that Namine was set for a lifetime. Namine then went on a detour and bought some flowers in a nearby shop. It was coincidence that Roxas’ mother was tending the shop when she was there.   
The hospital was a 15-minute walk from the flower shop. According to Olette, Ventus was an early riser so he should be awake by now. Namine had a little trouble at the reception when she couldn’t provide some verification that she knew Ventus. Thankfully, a blue haired nurse vouched for her and told the receptionist that Olette told the nurse that Namine was visiting. 

“We’re here,” the blue haired nurse gestured and opened the door. “Ven, you have a lovely visitor today.”

“Aqua, I told you to stop calling yourself a visitor, and also, you are not lovely.”

Namine gulped and tightened her grip on the bouquet. Namine kept thinking this might have been a wrong idea, but she must confirm her hunch if she really wanted to support Roxas wholeheartedly.

“I’m… I’m Namine. You might not know who I am, but my twin sister Kairi visited you a while back.” 

“Ah, Roxas’ friend!” Ventus motioned Namine to sit and grabbed the bouquet out of her hands. “I heard you gave him a headache these past couple of days.” Ventus chuckled, and Namine could tell he was having fun on Roxas’ misfortune. 

The nurse named Aqua bid them both farewell and left the two alone. It was only a second but Namine understood what Roxas meant when he said he looked like he was staring at a decaying version of himself. Ventus was visibly thinner than Roxas. He was so thin that bones were sticking out from his skin. His lips was chapped as if it was lacking water. He had an IV drip on his left hand and Namine saw that there were more bags in the back of the room.

“Is there any reason for you visiting me?”

Namine broke from her trance and stopped staring at Ventus. It was impolite of her to stare that intensely when she just met the guy. Namine really didn’t know how to phrase her question. Should she say it outright or befriend him first? Though she really didn’t think that there was enough time to even befriend Ventus.

Namine was about to open her mouth when Ventus’ smile turned into a pained one. He kept coughing and it seemed like he wouldn’t stop anytime soon.Namine stood up in panic and was looking for a way to alert the nurses. Ventus tried to gesture on the drawer beside Namine but the coughing was still persistent.

Namine took out a syringe from the drawer and asked “What should I do with it?”

Ventus didn’t speak but he managed to gesture to Namine to put the content on the IV bag near her. Despite her panic, she managed to put the medicine on the IV bag. Namine was really grateful Olette talked about it to her during in one of their conversations.

It took a few minutes but the coughs finally subsided. Namine couldn’t help but sigh in relief. 

“Thanks for fulfilling my dying wish.” Namine began to look pale and broke into a cold sweat. “That medicine was morphine. You gave me an overdose.” 

Namine was panicking. She was trying to read the labels, but tears on her eyes was obstructing her view. She didn’t know who to call. She was already in the hospital so an ambulance was already out of the question. Should she call the cops and turn herself in?

Suddenly, the door of the room opened and Roxas came marching in. His brows was furrowed and he was growling. Roxas went straight to Ventus’ side and punched him in the head. “Stop. Playing. Pranks. On. People.” Roxas reprimanded Ventus and bonked him in the head a few more times.

Namine collapsed from where she was standing and started crying on the spot.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story after years of being forced to write scientific reports during college and work. Please be gentle :)


End file.
